The Closer?

Could someone from the Rangers please get Brenda Lee Johnson on the phone because they could use the help?

The Rangers are at it again.  They start off a series in convincing fashion only to be reminded of just how unreliable their bullpen is in the remaining games.  On Monday with Derek Holland on the mound, they basically held an extended batting practice against the Minnesota Twins scoring 20 runs and garnering 20 hits before the 6^th inning.  Everything was going so smooth it was reported that Holland was seen in the concourse several times sampling barbecue and downing margaritas. 

But as soon as Holland was lifted, the bullpen got back to the business of doing what they do best: giving the opponents the opportunity to catch up.  Being down 19 is a lot of catching up to do but I have faith that this bunch of slugs could give any opponent all the assistance they need.

First up: Scooter Feldman jogged in for an inning and he surrendered the second run of the game.  He’s new to the bullpen so I’ll cut him a little slack until his ERA gets up to the seemingly selected goal of five.  He was followed by the cavalcade of degenerates who usually reserve their meltdowns for close games.  Arthur Rhodes pitched one inning as well un-assing three runs on three hits.  I know Wash wants to get him some work, and I agree with him.  I’d just like to see him working either in Round Rock or in another city, Cincinnati perhaps.  They score enough runs to make his charitable contributions obsolete.

But the star of the show has to be one Neftali Rasmussen Feliz.  That’s actually not his middle name but who cares, he freaking sucks right now.  The job of the closer is to shut down games, period.  Feliz, as we all keep witnessing, is not doing that.  He misses the strike zone regularly, walks batters consistently and is giving up hits as if he were a middle reliever.  If you want to know what’s wrong with this team, then one needs to look no further than Rhodes and Feliz.  It’s almost as if the motto between the two going into a game is “let’s make this interesting.”

 I was willing to give Rhodes a pass because the rest of the bullpen has been injured and unreliable.  I tried to chalk his mediocre play as recently as July up to fatigue and pitching in the warmest park he’s ever been in.  I can’t defend him any more because he is terrible and it’s time we either saw him in a reduced role or a nonexistent one.

Feliz, on the other hand, is a different animal.  Either he has lost his confidence, is too confident and it is backfiring or he is just not closer material any more.  I don’t know which one it is but someone (Mike Maddox) needs to figure him out fast and get it corrected.  I could go for a little more Yoshinori Tateyama who’s been unhittable lately while Feliz gets it figured out.  And by a little more, I’m looking through September if necessary after blowing save number five on Tuesday.  Hey I believe where there’s five that can be blown with ease, six is somewhere around the corner.

And here’s the kicker; it’s not just that he is blowing games but it the way he’s doing it.  Through 37 innings, Feliz has only recorded 26 strike outs, allowed 20 walks and given up 29 hits, four of which were homeruns (14 earned runs). His ERA is an unacceptable 3.35.  If I were his manager I would be afraid to let him pitch to a 7-year-old girl for fear he would hit her, walk her or she’d get a single up the middle.  

I now the rumors are everywhere about the Rangers pursuit of an outfielder but they need to concentrate on bullpen help.  Even though I love Tommy Hunter, I’m still not sold on him.  I don’t trust Feldman and I’m starting to only want to see Darren Oliver in action every 15 days or whenever his commercial comes on.  I’m still afraid of Mark Lowe because I know there’s a meltdown waiting to happen; he’s just saving it for the right time.

So what we are left with is the hope that the Rangers make a serious push for San Diego’s Heath Bell or Mike Adams.  Even though Bell stated he would be an eight inning guy if need be, the Rangers would be fools if they didn’t pull a Frankie Francisco on Feliz and move him to the set-up role until he gets his head right.  If they don’t think he can, then they can get an early jump on grooming him to be a starter next season and maybe he can fill the role Dave Bush had as a spot starter.

Whatever they do, they need to do it fast because the Angels are at the back door.  And if they get in, it will be hell trying to make it to the dance as a wild card.  Hopefully John Daniels can make the necessary moves in the next few days to shore up the bullpen. 

If not, maybe he can at least get Deputy Chief Johnson on the phone to try to solve the problem.

Leave My Penis Out Of This

I tend to deviate from sports from time to time and it doesn’t seem to bother many of you so I feel comfortable sharing other things without fear of ridicule or complaint.  I know the Major League Baseball just finished the Mid-Summer Classic and that was a great story in the father-son Home Run Derby team of Jose and Robinson Cano but I have to move on to more pressing matters. 

Men, we have a problem and that problem is women.  I’m not talking about women that stalk you, fight with you or simply won’t allow you to leave their lives.  I’m not even talking about the crazy ones that burn down the house or sell your car and golf clubs for a dollar after you’ve cheated on them.  No, the ones I’m referring to are the emotionally unstable ones that have the possessive, overly aggressive “if I can’t have him, no one will” mentality.

Now I know women will have the argument, and rightly so, that men are consistently more abusive in relationships and cause more irreparable harm than they could ever do due to our sheer size and strength.  But how many men resort to extraction when it comes to revenge?  Most of the time when things really out of hand, the endgame is death.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating killing or beating anyone.  But what I am urging the ladies out here to consider is maiming should never be an option.  I bring this up because I was taken aback by a story emanating out of Southern California involving a domestic disturbance that went terribly, terribly wrong.

Police responded to a 911 call placed by Catherine Kieu Becker reporting that her husband was gravely injured in one of the bedrooms in their condo.  Upon arrival, police found her 51-year-old husband tied to the bed and suffering from what they would later discover was food poisoning.  Her husband, whose name has yet to be released, later stated to police that he had dinner with his wife that evening, felt sick and went to the bedroom to lie down where he soon lost consciousness.  It was at that point that Becker made the command decision to tie her husband to the bed, seek a 10 inch kitchen knife and subsequently cut off the man’s bed buddy.

But unlike Lorena Bobbit who nearly 20 years ago at least gave her husband the option to play hide-and-go seek with his penis (which was later found off the side of a Virginia highway sad, confused, shocked and alone), Becker had to go to the extreme and deposit the man’s manhood in the disposal and turn it on.  John Bobbit was at least able to get his surgically reattached and when on to have a very unspectacular porn and burglary career.  At best bet, Becker’s husband’s penis would consist of penis, sausage, carrots, celery, maybe some bugs and whatever the Frankensteinian forensics team was able to strain out of the disposal.

Garden Grove police later confirmed the couple had only been married for a year and were in the process of divorcing which begs several questions.  One being, if your marriage has only lasted 8 months and there is the possibility of a meat-shearing maniac in your midst, why in the hell are you still staying in the house let alone still eating anything she cooks?

Here’s another: I have been plenty drunk and doped up on medication in my day.  Hell there have even been times when I have been overmedicated but how in tarnation are you so blitzed that you don’t know your little soldier is about to get al-Qaedaed? 

And as if the beheading wasn’t the worst part, when in the hell did the disposal come into play.  Who thinks of that?  Why would you think of that?  I’d rather my significantly deranged other punch me in the face repeatedly with brass knuckles than go for my Johnson.  I might be mad at first, but if she later said to me, “You know, I was gonna cut off your penis,” I might give her a hug and I’d damn sure tell her thank you for coming to your senses. 

I’d rather have a busted grill and a swollen eye than the alternative.  Heck, I would proudly tell everyone “my girl beat my ass” because that sounds a hell of a lot better than “I’m a eunuch.”

 And ladies, when did going below the belt become acceptable?  Where do you gals talk and plan that type of extreme response?  Is this what you’re doing on ladies night or at your freaky little toy parties?  It is so unnecessary and unwarranted.  Remember all those times you talked to your girls and said your man wasn’t worth a damn since you found out he was cheating, and your response was “If they want him, they can have them.”  What happened between that statement and you staring intently at the wedding cutlery?  Where did the change of heart come about?  

You see, what I don’t understand is how the penis gets involved in the first place.  Never have I seen on the news that a man came home drunk and his penis kicked open the door, slapped his wife around, woke up the kids and broke up furniture.  I’ve never seen on the internet were a crazed penis slammed their wife’s head into the dashboard of the car or talked about how much weight she has put on in front of company, belittling her at every turn.  I’ve never watched a penis on COPS running through the streets of Fort Worth, Texas after it had pulled a gun on its spouse and was hiding out in an alley.  And I’ve never read the blotter in the local paper explaining how there were three police responses to the same residence for loud noise complaints because a penis has argued with his wife all night.  Never seen a spouse-penis murder-suicide, a penis taking hostages or running off to Brazil with the kids during a custody battle.  Never, never, never.

So if all these things have never occurred, then ladies why is our hand crank the object of your ire?  Why can’t you take your aggression out on me when you are mad, preferably by leaving for long periods of time?  Or why can’t you use alternative means to reach your end.  You always want to talk about you feelings and your problems so why don’t you try talking to our penises, they may listen.  And in some instances, when they really understand you, they might even cry.  They won’t hurt you and is often the reason why we apologize for your mistakes in the first place.

But for God’s sake, if you do nothing else and you feel you just have to do damage to something, just kill us.  I’d rather be dead with my member than living the rest of my life sitting down to pee.

Whatever you decide to do, make it quick, make it painless and leave our penises out of it.

A year and a day

What a strange coincidence it is that once again the great game at the Ballpark in Arlington has been overshadowed by another tragic event. 

It was July 6, 2010 when a fan reaching for a foul ball fell some 30 feet onto fans below.  The Rangers soon thereafter raised the railings approximately 16 inches in the section to prevent a repeat of the event.  But sadly the club didn’t do a total overhaul of the stadium which could have prevented the tragic event that happened at the ballpark on Thursday evening.

During the second inning a foul ball caromed off the wall and near left fielder Josh Hamilton.  Hamilton, doing what players often do, threw the ball into the stands where the fan lost his balance while reaching across the railing to corral the souvenir.  He fell 20 feet head first onto the concrete just behind the out of town scoreboard as his son looked on. 

I am not writing to say that this is the fault of the Rangers or the fan—blame is not important here because accidents happen.  You’re more likely to get hit by car crossing the street to enter the stadium or trip down the stairs walking to your seat than to fall over a railing.  What I am saying, and I’m saying this quietly is this should be a lesson for all stadiums in every city throughout the country if not the world—fan safety has to become a priority, period.

I am speaking from my own experience at the ballpark.  I have sat in the upper deck and have slipped, tripped and watched others do the same.  I have seen foul balls rocket off the ends of bats and peg unsuspecting fans in the face.  And I believe all of this can be avoided.

Ever since I have been going to the stadium, I have wondered about the safety of the patrons in it.  I have always thought the bleachers were too steep and the railings were not high enough.  I cringe when people take souvenir photos while leaning against rails that are barely taller than the average five-year-old because I always feel there is a chance someone will tumble over.  

   I have been fortunate enough to have tickets near or around home plate but I always dread sitting there.  The crack of the bat coupled with the instance one is not looking could result in a serious injury that I have witnessed far too often.  The screen does not extend far enough in my opinion and many fans are left defenseless.

I’m not asking for the clubs, the Rangers in particular, to make drastic changes.  I just want them to avoid making small ones only after every tragic event.  The park should be a place you can take your family and not worry about the getting hurt or watching someone get hurt.  It should and will continue to be a fun place for all; it may just take some time to get past the death of this young father.

In the coming days, I expect the club to do something to remember the memory of a young father who lost his life enjoying a game with his son.  The greatest honor they can give this fan is to protect the thousands of others who choose to spend a day at the park with their children so we don’t have to witness this again.

  

Stupid is as Stupid Does

So let me get this straight to make sure I’m not missing something. 

The NFL has just surpassed day one-hundred plus days of a lockout, the NBA had one of the best playoff runs in recent memory capitalized by a fantastic win by the Dallas Mavericks whom everyone thought they would be just a historic footnote to the Miami Heat’s impending dynasty and the game’s best Euros led the leagues best squad to a team victory over a cast of individuals. 

The National Basketball Association hasn’t seen the popularity of its game rise to such levels since the last disastrous lockout and they are willing to tank all the goodwill they have amassed over the last 10 years for what exactly?  The owners want a bigger piece of the pie and want the players to take less?  They want a hard salary cap and a rookie pay scale in place among other things because they say they are losing money.

And how exactly is that the players’ fault?

The last time I checked, the Knicks, Heat, Lakers and Mavericks pay whatever they can to get whomever they want and not one player has stuck a gun to their heads demanding this or that.  They just exercise their options to go elsewhere to get the money they want or feel that they are worth.  It is not their fault that these owners will pay big dollars for players they should be cautious about (Eric Dampier, Allan Houston, Tariq-Abdul Wahed) and then complain when they barely get the production they were expecting but everyone was warning about. 

It’s not their fault the owners overpay sometimes out of spite to keep someone else from getting another player even though they know in their heart they do not need them let alone they barely fit into their system.  It’s not the players fault that these owners throw money around like candy and then look for someone else to blame when they go in the red.  And it’s definitely not the players’ fault when owners like Donald Sterling barely cares about keeping their franchises afloat, could care less about the fans and are only in it for the bottom line and nothing else.

So because of their stupidity and willingness to run through money like coke heads, they have decided to lock the players out until they can come to a resolution that will save them form themselves.  And in the process they have decided to punish the fans, their employees and their respective cities as well all because they do not know how to manage their finances and expect others to make sacrifices for their sake of their revenue.  Please!

What I truly find ridiculous in this particular situation is their inability to read the environment that they have haplessly forged their way into.  You already have the country’s most popular sport on hiatus for the exact same reason and if they were to look closely the fans are none too pleased about the bickering between the two.  There seems to be no resolution in sight and the season is in danger of being delayed because the sides cannot agree on the difference of a few hundred million dollars (I know it sounds ridiculous).

And instead of learning from the mistakes the NFL made and try to seriously negotiate before the season ended, the powers that be decided they would rather take this to the mat at the last hour.  And in my opinion, this is what makes the NBA the worse run establishment in the sports world.  Do they remember what happened the last time there was a work stoppage in their sport because I do.  College basketball saw viewership increase because fans soured on the both players and owners. 

Same thing happened with Major League Baseball.  Remember how long it took to get fans to go back to those games?  Hell they had to run a league full of cheaters in order to get attendance back to respectable levels and it still took at least eight years for people to really give a damn and attend consistently. 

However, what those interruptions didn’t have was the ever presence of a terrible economy looming overhead.  And there is nothing more devastating than having regular people spending what little hard earned money they have only to be  stuck in the middle of a slap fight between millionaires and billionaires while they are wondering how they are going to buy groceries, pay a bill or buy medicine.  It doesn’t make sense to the common fan that wants to take their kid to their first game and the only thing they can afford is parking and tickets because two groups of wealthy individuals are wondering how in the world they will get by with one-hundred thousand less dollars in their pocket when they are already making tens of millions.  Explain that when attendance suffers and remains stagnant for a long time.

They can’t and that is the real tragedy of this fight.  All of these leagues have failed to see what MLB and the National Hockey League had to learn the hard way; you cannot lose the fans and claim victory for anything.  They will suffer and suffer mightily all because of arrogance, selfishness and stupidity because in the end the real losers will be the fans who will ultimately foot the bill to pad the pockets of greedy individuals claiming to have our best interest at heart somewhere in these negotiations.        

All of the talking heads have claimed they expect the lockout to be protracted and there is the possibility there may not even be a next season which would be a tragedy on two fronts.  The first being the longer the fans are denied the game, the more interest wanes and David Stern will not be happy about that.  The second is the longer the lockout is in place the longer the Mavericks would be champions and Mark Cuban continues to walk around with the O’Brien Trophy and David Stern will definitely not be happy with that. 

Faced with those two options, Stern might want to get on the phone with Bud Selig and get some pointers, stat!