Fan Mail

“…and I opened my eyes to the warmth that was my lover, kissing her lips gently and holding her close.  The sun’s glow radiated in the background and she was my angel.  But the radiance t’was not what was first though and my face soon crumpled at the pungent order emanating from the comforter.  It was a morning fart, wet and smelly with a hint of confusion: “should I be wet or dry?”  The odor was stale and hung in the air like a cat on a clothesline.  It was heavy and filled my lungs slowly and heavily.  “No more burritos before bed,” I though.   But I loved her. And no man, woman, shemale or three-breasted alien could change that.”

My, my, my, how the time flies when you are having fun. 

 

We are four blogs in boys and girls and the responses to this lil’ post has been amazing.  There is nary a day that goes by where my inbox isn’t full of questions, insults, quips and advice.

The responses I’ve received range from the mundane and inane to truly insightful things that truly make you stop and think.  So that gave me an idea.  Why not share some of these questions and insightful anecdotes with the fans? 

So, from here on out every month, I will stop down the blog and take some of the readers’ questions and put them up for all to see.   After all, we are a family right? 

So without further ado, here we go…

What do the Cowboys need to do to get out of their own way?

-Jennifer, Rochester, NY

Jennifer, I have been wondering that for quite some time and the only answer I have is for them to hire a true head coach.  You cannot run a team with two coordinators on the sideline and the head coach up in the luxury box.  Wade is too soft and Garrett is resolved to do what the hell he wants, regardless of what anyone says.

I read your blog last week and couldn’t agree more on the Rangers and the scenario you laid out.  However, when you have the Yankees in the mix, anything is possible.  Do you stand by your post that the Yankees will miss the playoffs or are you a fervent Yankee hater?

-Phil, Boston, Mass

Phil, I stand by my post, but I do reserve the right to change my mind…especially if Boston straight collapses.  Then I will just delete it and pretend it never happened.  And by the way, I do really, really hate the Yankees.

Do you think the Rangers’ ace will make a good fit with the Yankees?

-C. Lee, Ark.

Not really.  I think C.J. likes it in Texas.

If the Rangers playoff run comes to an end in the first round and someone wanted to celebrate the season, can you recommend a good place to party that is free of team presidents and Deadspin?

 -R.W. & J.H, Oakland, Ca

Those initials look familiar… I’ll get back to you.

Rangers' fans and some in the media have openly questioned Cliff Lee’s effort while he has been a Ranger even going so far as to claim he is sabotaging games because he is truly unhappy here.  Do you think he is and if so, what would you recommend he do to be less conspicuous?

-C.L., Arlington, TX  

I was in the camp that questioned his effort, but I quickly changed my mind after he threw a stellar game against the Yankees two weeks ago.  But I don’t know how to explain what he did Thursday night against Oakland with the opportunity to close the door on the Athletics.  He is like Jekyll and Hyde with every start and it is impossible to get a read on him.  What I do know is that it doesn’t matter if he tanks games or not, the Yankees will get him in the offseason.  Bet on it!

I believe the Mavericks have a good chance to contend in the west this year and possibly make it to the finals.  In your opinion, what do you think needs to happen in order to see the dream materialized?

-Mark, Dallas

If the Mavericks want to contend, they have to get rid of their dead weight.  Terry and his streaky shooting, Kidd and his terrible FG percentage and Carlisle, who refuses to play a hot rookie because he doesn’t know how to coach, has to go.  And isn’t it time for Nelson to “spend time with his family?”  Really, this guy is becoming a joke.  The only thing he has to show for is Dirk, and there is only so long you get a pass on that.  Can’t wait to root for the Nets this year.  

I have been watching Rangers’ games intently and have come to this conclusion: Cliff Lee sucks.  Why in the hell did the great Scott Feldman lose his spot to this loser?

-#39, Arlington

This may hurt your feelings but even on Lee’s worst day, which has come quite often, he is still better than Feldman.  At least he gets out of the fourth inning and saves the bullpen.

If Wade Phillips’s Cowboys lose to Houston and fall to 0-3, do you think he should be fired in during the bye week?

Jerral, Highland Park 

Yes.  But you also need to fire the offensive coordinator and the GM.  I’m not sure that’s what you wanted to hear Jerral.

Hypothetically, let’s say you wanted to hide the body of a high profile assistant and wanted it never to be found.  What suggestions would you have for me?

-Wilson Phillips, Houston

Nice try Wade.

Good night everybody!

               

Rangers vs. AL East

"Godalmighty, we ask you to bless this feast that lie before us, and please allow these spent lottery tickets with their silvery scratchery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. Lord, thankya for the untimely frost you sent what claimed our pointless bananer orchards. Oh I was a fool to plan bananers on a mountain, you made sure of that. In short, thanks for nuthin'."

• I don’t know if anyone has discovered this fact but I will gladly take credit. If you have ever paid attention to eHarmony’s commercials, you would notice the theme music in the background as the same music used in UGKs Int’l Players Anthem song. It is also the same music in Project Pat’s Choose You and it was also sampled in P.I.M.P. Pt.2 by 50 Cent. All three songs basically talk about selecting a woman much the same way a pimp would choose his prostitutes. The actual song titled “I Choose You” is by Willie Hutch. The irony is that Willie Hutch wrote the song for the soundtrack of The Mack, a movie starring Max Julien as a drug dealer turned pimp. The song is featured during a scene when Julien has just picked a new girl to expand his pimping. So is that what eHarmony is really about? Sign me up.

• The first week of the NFL season was a whirlwind of disappointment, letdowns and the realization that teams are not as good as thought prior to the season. From coordinators that need to be fired to head coaches and players not being on the same page, the opener had it all. And I’m just talking about the Cowboys. Thank God for the Rangers.

• So who do you have on your BCS radar after two good weeks of NCAA football? I’m sure most of you have the favorites; Alabama, Boise State, Florida and Ohio State. But don’t slip on the Sooners. After a mediocre, at best, season opener against Utah State, the Sooners proceeded to thoroughly dismantle Florida State. Instead of Texas and their fans wondering who they will play in the BCS National championship game, they need to be worried about how many wins it will take to get into the Holiday Bowl. October 2^nd can’t come fast enough/

• The Rangers series last week against the Yankees had all the elements of playing playoff baseball—New York. We had a capacity crowds all three nights as our team swept the Yankees for the first time in 14 years. The only problem was there were more Yankees fans than Rangers fans and at this pivotal juncture in the season, isn’t it about time the true fans put a stop to this. I was on the computer during the second game and heard a loud cheer from the crowd. I turned around expecting the Rangers had done something spectacular only to find Robinson Cano had hit a single. If you are going to give your tickets away, at least give them to Mariners fans. They might not show up much like their team did for most of the season.

• In the interest of fairness, David Murphy’s homerun in the Tigers’ game on Tuesday was a foul ball. I know the umpires upheld the ruling, but if you go back and watch the replay, the most compelling evidence comes from a woman in the stands near where the ball is descending. When the camera is back on her, you can read her lips while she is talking to a guy in khaki shorts. She clearly says “it was on this side of the pole” and you see the guy sheepishly laugh in agreement. Just FYI

• Ever wonder what it takes to determine the magic number for a baseball team? This bit of information comes from MLB.com. Determine the number of games yet to be played, add one, then subtract the number of games ahead in the loss column of the standings from the closest opponent. So with Texas 10 games ahead of Oakland with 17 remaining, you would figure it like this: 17 +1=18. Then subtract 10 from 18 leaving you with a magic number of 8. Now if I could only figure out how teams gain and lose half-games, I would be all squared away.

Any who…

So here we go Ranger fans. Our team, fresh from the brink of disaster that was a five game losing streak only to come out on the other side smelling like Al West Champions. What a time, what a time.

I’m betting most of you walked up to the ledge and contemplated jumping into the next passing bandwagon that happened to roll by. By the smart ones, those of you who really believe in this team know that sometimes, to quote Ron Washington, “that’s the way baseball go.”

Every team has gone through slumps and slides and it was only fitting that our team did the same. In fact, I would have been more concerned if we hadn’t experienced any significant problems because I would totally expect something bad to happen in the playoffs. But we got ours out of the way without losing any real ground in the West and our number to clinch shrinking nightly.

The Rangers have 17 games remaining with 10 coming on the road. However, all are against divisional foes. The Rangers also have a combined record of 24-16 against the West including 10-3 versus the Mariners, with whom they open road trip against this evening.

They then shoot down the coast to take on the “stick a fork in ‘em” Angels before heading over to Athletics, who have been like herpes to the Rangers. Even though you don’t see them, they are still there. Then they finish off the season at home against the Mariners and the Angels, which the Rangers hold a combined 10-3 record in the yard in Arlington.

So in my opinion, we have nothing to worry about in Ranger land over the next two-and-a-half weeks. I know the team will handle its business and I fully expect the team to push past the 92 wins mark set forth by Nolan Ryan in the offseason.

So while I think the Rangers have entered a stretch of winnable games that could best be described as exciting only if the home team goes on a 13 game losing streak, I would have to recommend turning your attention to the race in the AL East. And what a race it is shaping up to be.

The top two teams, Tampa and New York have been battling for the AL East crown and it’s going to come down to the wire for sure. But unlike seasons past, I don’t see the Yankees pulling off any miracles to take the division. For one, the remaining schedules of both teams are polar opposites, favoring the Rays.

The Rays, in their final 17 games, face teams they have gone a combined 21-10 against. They open this weekend against a sad sack Angels team, then face the Yankees on the road for four games before heading home to face both Seattle and Baltimore. Their final four games against the Royals, in all likelihood, should be the games we see their starters resting and getting prepared to face Ron Gardenhire’s Minnesota Twins in the ALDS.

The Yankees, on the other hand finish with one of the toughest schedules of all the postseason contenders. Tonight they face a resurgent Orioles team that has been one of the hottest in MLB since the beginning of August. Overall, the Yankees are 11-4 against the Orioles, but they went 1-2 against them last week and the trend will continue. Once the Yankees return home where they host four games with Tampa and three with Boston, which I’m sure will be some entertaining, hard fought, grind it out games. This season the Yankees are 6-8 versus the Rays and are 7-5 against Boston.

And just when Yankees’ fans think they are out of the woods, the team goes north of the border for a three game set against the hard-hitting Blue Jays (4-2 vs. Yankees in Toronto) before finishing the season in what will be an emotional finale against the Red Sox at Fenway Park. This will be the game that, if the Red Sox do what I expect them to do in their 13 games leading up to this series, will decide the wild card winner and Rangers’ opponent.

Even though the Rays and Yankees have been the frontrunners for the division title, I think everyone (especially New Yorkers) have forgotten that Boston has been on a nice little run as of late. On September 1^st, they were 8 games back. But with the help of a four game win streak and bloody fight between Tampa and New York they have quietly crept back into the mix and are now down to 6.5. And their schedule definitely favors a playoff appearance.

The Red Sox play the next six at home against Toronto and Baltimore before embarking upon a seven game road trip against the Yankees (3) and the slumping White Sox (4). Against Toronto, the Red Sox are 11-4 with two of their losses coming in Fenway. It will probably be a little tighter against Baltimore where Boston posts an 8-7 record but the Orioles have only two wins when at Boston.

I’m sure people will look at this and wonder how I could possibly place Boston ahead of the Yankees in a divisional race that only has two real teams fighting for the title. Here’s why. For the entire 2010 season, there have been only two teams contending in the east, Tampa and New York. Boston’s chances grew complicated as the injuries started to mount and culminated in “next year” mentality when Pedroia and Youkilis were shut down for the year. Yet they still managed to post an 82-64 record and have had favorable match ups along the way. The real key for the Red Sox making it to the post season, however, is the play of the last place team in the division.

Through August 2, the Orioles record was a deplorable 33-73. But with the addition of Manager Buck Showalter on August 3, no team has been hotter than the Orioles. They have posted wins against the best teams in the AL and have been impressive night in and night out with their never-say-die attitude they’ve adopted from their manager.

In the 41 games Showalter has been at the helm, the team is 26-15 whereas it was 85 games before the Orioles reached 26 wins. In that span, the Orioles have also won eight out of 13 series, including four straight series, with wins coming against the Yankees, Rays and Blue Jays.

The Orioles’ final 16 games begin with three against the Yankees before going on a nine game road swing though the rest of the division which will have great implications on the divisions’ top three contenders. On the road, the Orioles are 11-7 and have lost more than two games in a row only once. They then conclude the season in a four game set at Camden Yards against the Tigers and will be looking up at the carnage they have wreaked in the rest of the division.

And by then, Rangers’ fans will know three things; Tampa will win the AL East, Texas will be playing the Red Sox in Arlington for the opening round of the playoffs and the Cubs will be introducing Joe Girardi as their next manager.

It’s been a great ride and it will only get better. The East will guarantee that!

Go Rangers!!!

Jerry and the Jonesettes

"Dear Lord,
Please allow this dangerous combination of hair spray, bat slobber and D.O.T. four automatic transmission fluid to excite my mind, occupy my spirits and enrage my body, provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me.
All my Best..."

• So Cliff Lee missed his first start since he joined the Rangers due to back problems. Team sources said he pitched well during his rehab start and should be back in the lineup against the Yankees on Sunday. This brings up an interesting dilemma for the staff “ace.” Should he pitch lights out to show the Yankees they need him or does he continue sinking the Rangers season, one game at a time? Decisions, decisions…

• I’ve got two new nicknames for our Rangers’ pitchers. “W” or “Brolin” for Colby Lewis and “Red Dragon” for Kirkman in honor of Ralph Fiennes.

• Corey Pavin made his captain’s picks for the upcoming Ryder Cup in Wales in two weeks. There was speculation as to whether a struggling Tiger Woods would be added to the team. Pavin said it was a no brainer to add the top ranked golfer in the world along with Stewart Cink, Ricki Fowler and Zach Johnson. Meanwhile, Woods was reported as saying, “this is the best foursome since…”

• Is it just me or does the USA Basketball travel with everything but a team barber? Don’t believe me; take a look at Russell Westbrook and Stephen Curry’s heads. It looks like rats sucking on cotton.

• Speaking of USA Basketball… Mavericks fans, are you ready for another disappointing season at the center position? Well you should be. Our new center, Tyson Chandler is going to give you fits and it would behoove you to watch some of these summer games to get yourself in the right frame of mind. Case in point is the seven games Chandler has played in. I said played in. He is the only 7-footer on the team and he hasn’t started a game. And making this more confounding is the fact that he has only played 72 minutes (one more than Kevin Love), has 24 rebounds (16 less than Love), 23 total points (the lowest on the team) and 15 personal fouls (second highest on the team). I have been waiting for the day we could be rid of the underachieving Eric Dampier, but so far Chandler is making Dampier look like a decent center.

• So here we are just a few days before the start of the Cowboys season and they have finally signed Miles Austin to a 6-year, $54 million contract extension. Now Cowboy fans can rest easy knowing that the contract won’t be a distraction all season. It’s good to see that hard work is rewarded handsomely. Just wish I could say the same for the team’s number three receiver, Roy E. Williams.


Any who…

So I found myself looking at the offense of the Saints in Thursday night’s season opener and had to wonder to myself what might have been.
The quick pace of the offense led by the great Drew Brees, the consistent play even when things may not have looked their best and the lack of confusion on their faces when the going got tough. There was resolve and confidence even in the face of adversity. And it’s been that way since Sean Payton rolled into New Orleans in January of 2006.
The Saints players follow the lead of their head coach. They have a never say die attitude and hold each other accountable for their actions. That is the reason they won the Super Bowl and the driving force behind the reason they have a good chance to repeat this year.
Now contrast that with the Cowboys. Their head coach is their GM and their “head coach” can actually be referred to in the plural sense as you have the Wade Phillips running the defense and Jason Garret running the offense. And often they don’t seem like they are on the same page.
Too many times during Phillips tenure, the team has looked confused, inept and dysfunctional. And the Head Coach always explains it away, never making anyone accountable for their actions. He is an apologist at best and a poor man’s politician at worst, seemingly always looking for a way to get the players to like him. So far, it doesn’t seem like it’s working.
Four years and one playoff win for DC Wade.
Four years and four playoff wins for Payton, including one championship.
Now, I don’t want to dump all over DC Wade for the team’s ineptitude. No. In fact if I need to point blame, I need to look no further than to the man who brought the stripper poles to the new stadium. The man that was so fed up will Duane Parcells that he couldn’t wait to run him and all of his recommendations out of town as soon as Parcells packed up his last box of Lorna Doones and turned the lights out in his office.
If you want to know who to blame, as if you didn’t already know, look for one Jerral Jones and leave all complaints at his doorstep.
When Parcells began his waffling in 2006, Jerral should have begun his coaching search immediately. Naturally, he should have started within the coaching staff, but Jerral does what Jerral does. He bartered with Parcells to stay, which I believe in turn, forced Payton’s hand.
When the offers came, Payton had no choice but to leave because there was no future as a Cowboy’s assistant. Hell, even if he became head coach, he would have had little if any say on his own coaching staff.
And then who’s to say that Jerral still wouldn’t have brought in Garrett anyway. If you think it’s messy and convoluted now, imagine what you would have had with two strong minded individuals on the same side of the ball. Then factor in that Jerral would be the overseer of it all and would have had to pick a side eventually (more than likely he would side with Garret because he hates his head coaches for some reason).
So we have what we have. A team as talented as any in the league and a mess for a coaching staff that can’t make a decision without it being undercut by the owner.
Three instances come to mind:
1. Bringing in Terrell Owens without the consent of the coach.
2. Trading for Roy Williams.
3. Undermining DC Wade at a team breakfast prior to the teams’ final preseason game.
The latter is the epitome of the problems with the Cowboys.
Following Dallas’ poor showing against the Texans, DC Wade said “don’t be surprised if you see a few of the starters” in the finale. You could hear the level of pisstivity in his voice. It should have gone up a few octaves when Head Coach Jones, responding to a reporter’s question, said there would be no starters in the Miami game.
Guess what happened next? Yup.
DC Wade had to walk back his comments and said only “we decided to keep them out.” No Wade, your head coach decided they weren’t going to play and you had to make sure you backed up the coach just like any good and loyal assistant would.
And that it the conundrum the Cowboys face. No matter how good they and we think they are, the Cowboys will only be as good as any dysfunctional organization can be when the stars align. And for that reason alone, I can’t see them winning more than two playoff games in any season until either Jerral relinquishes the GM role or Stephen Jones wrests it away from him.
I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one.
So as fans, we should be resigned in the fate of America’s Team. We will always be next year’s champion; a title that dogged Tom Landry for the first 10 years coached the team. Only there is no silver and blue lining waiting for us on the horizon.
There is only Jerral and his quest to be Al Davis standing in the way, while the Saints, Dolphins and every other team with a former Cowboys coach honks and flips us the bird.

Step away from the Ledge

"She was my dream, my muse. A vision suitable for the wide-screen format. I can still taste her fist against my face. The sweet sugary sweat from a lifetime of diabetes. A heartbeat you could hear from six blocks away. One big pump every hour."

• I don’t know why people are making a big deal about Jeremiah Masoli’s denial at Ol’ Miss because it is believed he was trying to find a loophole to keep playing college ball. The NCAA only has the integrity of the league in mind. Besides it will all work out. They didn’t let Duke’s/Syracuse’s Greg Paulus get away with it. Oh, wait a minute…


• Is it just me or when Cliff Lee comes to the mound shouldn’t his theme music be “Sabotage” by The Beastie Boys?


• Speaking of Lee, doesn’t it seem like the whole organization is desperately trying to kiss his ass to keep him here. When he fired those two rockets to second base in Tuesday’s loss to the lowly Royals, Tom tried to explain both errors away, including blaming infielders Andrus and Blanco for both being on second base. Truth is they were trying to catch the season Lee is desperately trying to throw away.


• The game the other night between the Nationals and the Marlins featured an actual “brawl” instead of the hand slapping we are normally accustomed to seeing. I can’t understand why announcers will go in depth about honor and codes and the need to retaliate when there are the usual shoving matches, but when you have the potential for an old-fashioned slobber knocker, it’s the most vile thing out there and “there’s no place for that in baseball.” Huh?


• Before his scheduled appearance with NFL commissioner Goodell, Ben R. said he has matured, found religion and claims he is a better person. Subsequently, his suspension was reduced from six games to four and he will be eligible for reinstatement after week four. Here’s my question, if he is so religified now, when is he going to tell the truth about what happened in that bathroom?


• While we’re on the subject of finding religion…
If someone only finds religion later in life and they claim it is a life changer, what does that say about their upbringing?


• How is it that the friggin' little league baseball can have instant replay (Avg. time 53 seconds) but MLB refuses because it will slow the game? I’m guessing no one in the league office has ever watched the Red Sox vs. Yankees. A three game set between those two lasts at least a week.


Any who…


The history of the Ballpark in Arlington has had three common themes since play began in 1994; poor pitching, power hitting and playoff futility. The good news is two have been fixed, one is more efficient and one you can do nothing about except intense, centralized prayers overhead.

For longer than I can remember, the Rangers have been able to hit with the best of them. Players like Juan Gone, Raffy, Pudge, Mac, Palmer and Greer have kept the Rangers interesting to say the least. Fans kept dropping dollars at the ticket windows over the years for the offensive fireworks that were expected nightly at the ballpark. Problem with that was you also paid for the poor pitching. And oftentimes one was left watching countless opponents use home plate as their launching pad as well.

I believed that has changed this season.

Three times in the 90s the Rangers went to the playoffs, but poor play, especially the pitching, had always been the Achilles heel of the clubs and there never seemed to be a big push to correct the trend.

But over the course of the John Daniels era, pitching has become priority number one and there has been a conscious effort to stock the team’s pitching staff.

Fans had their hopes set on the arrival of Danks, Diamond and Volquez and watching them lead the charge atop the AL West one year. But if you want to watch them work, you’re going to have to subscribe to the MLB network.

Of course we were all pissed when they were gone, with several fans, myself included, calling for the head of JD. But if being a Rangers fan has taught us anything it is patience. Albeit being patient comes with the territory for a team that perennially flames out around midsummer every season.

But oh how the tables have turned this year. The reigning West champs look like the old Rangers and the closest team to us is the A’s and they are 10 games back.

We still have the hitting with Hamilton, Cruz, Murphy, Young and a “washed-up” Vladimir Guerrero in the line-up. However, we’ve been able to do what every other eventual champion has been able to do when they make a title run—put it all together.

Hunter, Lewis, Harden (at times), Holland and Lee are led by staff ace C.J. Wilson and have been dominant throughout the season. And in the case when the frontline has suffered, O’Day, Harrison, Nippert, Oliver, Ogando and Kirkman have been spectacular in most cases.

And because of this, Rangers’ fans are going to be in for an extended playoff run. Wash is not going to let the guys let up and their play is only going to get better. These guys know what’s at stake as well as how hard it is to get back to the playoffs.

So what the team had a subpar August. Every team goes through a slump. The good news is we went through ours with significant players out of the lineup. Now we are getting healthy at the right time and are poised to not only have the largest lead in the division, but in the team’s history.

So Rangers’ fans, step away from the ledge. We are not backing into the playoffs, we only backed into September. And once the full team is back on the field for the first time in nearly two months, we’ll see just how dominant our team can and will be.

Go Rangers!