Leave My Penis Out Of This

I tend to deviate from sports from time to time and it doesn’t seem to bother many of you so I feel comfortable sharing other things without fear of ridicule or complaint.  I know the Major League Baseball just finished the Mid-Summer Classic and that was a great story in the father-son Home Run Derby team of Jose and Robinson Cano but I have to move on to more pressing matters. 

Men, we have a problem and that problem is women.  I’m not talking about women that stalk you, fight with you or simply won’t allow you to leave their lives.  I’m not even talking about the crazy ones that burn down the house or sell your car and golf clubs for a dollar after you’ve cheated on them.  No, the ones I’m referring to are the emotionally unstable ones that have the possessive, overly aggressive “if I can’t have him, no one will” mentality.

Now I know women will have the argument, and rightly so, that men are consistently more abusive in relationships and cause more irreparable harm than they could ever do due to our sheer size and strength.  But how many men resort to extraction when it comes to revenge?  Most of the time when things really out of hand, the endgame is death.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating killing or beating anyone.  But what I am urging the ladies out here to consider is maiming should never be an option.  I bring this up because I was taken aback by a story emanating out of Southern California involving a domestic disturbance that went terribly, terribly wrong.

Police responded to a 911 call placed by Catherine Kieu Becker reporting that her husband was gravely injured in one of the bedrooms in their condo.  Upon arrival, police found her 51-year-old husband tied to the bed and suffering from what they would later discover was food poisoning.  Her husband, whose name has yet to be released, later stated to police that he had dinner with his wife that evening, felt sick and went to the bedroom to lie down where he soon lost consciousness.  It was at that point that Becker made the command decision to tie her husband to the bed, seek a 10 inch kitchen knife and subsequently cut off the man’s bed buddy.

But unlike Lorena Bobbit who nearly 20 years ago at least gave her husband the option to play hide-and-go seek with his penis (which was later found off the side of a Virginia highway sad, confused, shocked and alone), Becker had to go to the extreme and deposit the man’s manhood in the disposal and turn it on.  John Bobbit was at least able to get his surgically reattached and when on to have a very unspectacular porn and burglary career.  At best bet, Becker’s husband’s penis would consist of penis, sausage, carrots, celery, maybe some bugs and whatever the Frankensteinian forensics team was able to strain out of the disposal.

Garden Grove police later confirmed the couple had only been married for a year and were in the process of divorcing which begs several questions.  One being, if your marriage has only lasted 8 months and there is the possibility of a meat-shearing maniac in your midst, why in the hell are you still staying in the house let alone still eating anything she cooks?

Here’s another: I have been plenty drunk and doped up on medication in my day.  Hell there have even been times when I have been overmedicated but how in tarnation are you so blitzed that you don’t know your little soldier is about to get al-Qaedaed? 

And as if the beheading wasn’t the worst part, when in the hell did the disposal come into play.  Who thinks of that?  Why would you think of that?  I’d rather my significantly deranged other punch me in the face repeatedly with brass knuckles than go for my Johnson.  I might be mad at first, but if she later said to me, “You know, I was gonna cut off your penis,” I might give her a hug and I’d damn sure tell her thank you for coming to your senses. 

I’d rather have a busted grill and a swollen eye than the alternative.  Heck, I would proudly tell everyone “my girl beat my ass” because that sounds a hell of a lot better than “I’m a eunuch.”

 And ladies, when did going below the belt become acceptable?  Where do you gals talk and plan that type of extreme response?  Is this what you’re doing on ladies night or at your freaky little toy parties?  It is so unnecessary and unwarranted.  Remember all those times you talked to your girls and said your man wasn’t worth a damn since you found out he was cheating, and your response was “If they want him, they can have them.”  What happened between that statement and you staring intently at the wedding cutlery?  Where did the change of heart come about?  

You see, what I don’t understand is how the penis gets involved in the first place.  Never have I seen on the news that a man came home drunk and his penis kicked open the door, slapped his wife around, woke up the kids and broke up furniture.  I’ve never seen on the internet were a crazed penis slammed their wife’s head into the dashboard of the car or talked about how much weight she has put on in front of company, belittling her at every turn.  I’ve never watched a penis on COPS running through the streets of Fort Worth, Texas after it had pulled a gun on its spouse and was hiding out in an alley.  And I’ve never read the blotter in the local paper explaining how there were three police responses to the same residence for loud noise complaints because a penis has argued with his wife all night.  Never seen a spouse-penis murder-suicide, a penis taking hostages or running off to Brazil with the kids during a custody battle.  Never, never, never.

So if all these things have never occurred, then ladies why is our hand crank the object of your ire?  Why can’t you take your aggression out on me when you are mad, preferably by leaving for long periods of time?  Or why can’t you use alternative means to reach your end.  You always want to talk about you feelings and your problems so why don’t you try talking to our penises, they may listen.  And in some instances, when they really understand you, they might even cry.  They won’t hurt you and is often the reason why we apologize for your mistakes in the first place.

But for God’s sake, if you do nothing else and you feel you just have to do damage to something, just kill us.  I’d rather be dead with my member than living the rest of my life sitting down to pee.

Whatever you decide to do, make it quick, make it painless and leave our penises out of it.