Friday, October 22, 2010

The Fix: The Dallas Cowboys

  • Have you ever watched someone interpret sign language and looked at the expressions on their faces?  Why do they all look like they really hate what they are doing?
  • The NFL is trying to wrap up their probe of Brett Favre and his attempted “textual liaison” with former Jets employee Jenn Sterger.  My guess is, if the probe is anywhere near as long as that thing he sent to Sterger, it should be over in a matter of seconds.
  • You know the Cowboys are a terrible team when Jerral Jones finally opens up to the media that he is not optimistic that the team can turn around and make it to the playoffs.  It’s too bad he is just now realizing something the fans and players have known all along.  Something else we’ve noticed; Wade Phillips sucks.
  • Speaking of Wade Phillips:  He has finally laid down the edict that celebrations will only be allowed after a win.  Needless to say the next time we see a hook ‘em horns sign or a leap frog will be in 2011’s preseason.
  • It is amazing that out of chaos comes order.  And there is no better place example than that of one Roy E. Williams.  It is really saying something when out of the 11 guys on the field in offense, the one guy you would most like to get rid of is the one producing and emerging as a team leader.  I need to check the thermometer in Hell…

Any Who…

        I was faced with an unbelievable dilemma this weekend; clean dog poop out of the backyard or watch dog poop on the television.  I chose the latter but ended up going to the former near halftime of that bowel movement that was Cowboys’ football.
        I missed the game last week but still have it saved on my DVR so I can watch it either to get statistical insight or to help me fall asleep.  However, after watching that shameful display Sunday afternoon, I might decide on clearing out the space so I can record more post season baseball.
        Ahhh, the Rangers.  If it wasn’t for them we’d all be watching the food network while waiting for another mediocre season of Maverick basketball to get started.  But as you all know, I could talk about the Rangers forever.  But this week I want to dedicate about 3000 words to the terriblest (another made up word) football team in America.
        You’re probably thinking, “What about the Bills?”  That’s a good question.  Unfortunately, everyone knew the Bills would struggle this year, much like the Browns, Seahawks and the perennial last place Raiders.  There are also some other teams that the blue Kool-Aid crowd would say are either in the same predicament or worse than America’s Team, but the difference is those teams truly lack talent.  The cowboys are probably the best-worst team in the history of the NFL because they, no matter what they try to do, cannot get out of their own way.
        So how does one go about fixing the team?  Well I’m glad you asked.
        First things first, Wade has to go.  He doesn’t’ need to be moved to another position or reassigned to be the defensive coordinator.  He needs to be removed from the team altogether.  His make excuses, laissez-faire attitude has been detrimental to the growth of this team and has kept them mired in this stew of mediocrity.  Wade has had four years, three too long, to make this team a contender.  Yet every year, as another season comes to a close and Wade is getting out his excuse book, this team ends up falling far short of where the talent dictates they should be.
        Once Wade is gone, the GM should then place the interim tag on the red-headed fraud, Jason Garrett.  You see, from all accounts during the T.O.-Patrick Crayton-Roy Williams meeting that happened a few years ago, Garrett was pissed and wanted to discipline the trio but couldn’t because the man upstairs has stated he handles all fines.
        Now two things work in the Cowboys and Jones’ favor here; if you fire Wade, you only have to pay him for the season and no more.  Garrett’s contract also runs out at the conclusion of the year, thus keeping Jones from bringing in a coach and paying him to do nothing next year (in the event of a lockout).  This gives the team the opportunity to evaluate Garrett, see if all the hype was worth the exorbitant salary, and if not, you let him go and there is no harm done and no money left on the books.  Then you start all over again.
        The third thing you have to do if you want this thing to turn around is remove Jones as GM and put another Jones, Stephen, in charge.  He seems to have the business acumen to get this thing back on the right track and will bring in quality, value guys not just some guys Jerry wants because he has them in his fantasy league.  It was Stephen that was the catalyst behind T.O.’s departure and it has been him that has been more involved in drafts and day to day operations.
        Now, I can’t attest to all the things he has or hasn’t done, but if you can talk Jerry into releasing of one of his pet project-man crushes, then I would say you are pretty damn good.  It also doesn’t hurt that one of your references happens to be one Duane Parcells.  And I don’t think we need to question that guy on his football knowledge.
        I can surely attest that if these moves were made, then the cowboys would be on the right track, like yesterday.  But seriously, who am I kidding?  Jerry wouldn’t give up his toy no matter how terribly bad this thing gets.  He is on a mission: to out Al Davis Al Davis.   And before long, after this team is pushed into relative obscurity, when the fans stop really giving a damn and the only time the Cowboys are relevant is when they are playing a far superior St. Louis Rams team, is when Jerry will realize his mistake and truly understand what he has done.
        And by then, the only glimpses of him will be through a tinted window in an owners’ box.  And if you squint and turn your head just right, you’ll see him in the corner in the silver and blue jumpsuit and gold-chained glasses wondering what might have been if he had only listened.

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