Thursday, May 26, 2011

Good Thing I Didn’t…

So the Rapture turned out to be nothing more than a ruse for Jesus to pick my pocket and all the preparation I was making made about as much sense as an anorexic at a buffet. 
The wily old prognosticator had us all fooled.  And while Harold Camping’s prophesy proved to be more fodder for the Twitterverse and late night talk shows, there were still plenty of people (lemmings) that prescribed to the notion that the world was coming to an end last Saturday.
I even joined in the fun by blogging about my fictitious last 24 hours pre-Jesus and my travels to various locations within Texas and Oklahoma to give the sports powers that be some final thoughts.  Those would have been good times but in reality, there was no way I was going to get close enough to them let alone be able to afford the gas and airfare for the trip.
But there were some other things I had seriously considered doing.  A few of them might have been golden while others would have had me in prison until the next Rapture.  So all in all, I guess I made the right decision in regards to Camping’s vision.  And even though the Rapture didn’t come, I figured I would share with all of you, nonetheless, my list of things in no particular order I was really going to do on the last day before all hell broke loose.  Keep in mind these can still be used because the great prophet himself, Mr. Camping, has stated that the Rapture has now been moved to October 21st of this year per God. 
Additionally Camping states that God will also destroy the Earth and melt the universe as well for good measure.  That is unless the NFL and the players resolve the labor dispute.  In that case it will take place immediately after the Super Bowl…unless there is another great run in the NBA Playoffs.  In that case, we’ll wait until October or by then Jesus may just acquiesce to the Mayans.   They’ve had their prediction filed the longest anyway.  
Anyway, here’s the list.  Enjoy!
Kill some people
I mean who hasn’t wanted to if they could get away with it, right?  We all have made a list and at some point we’ve all secretly wanted to be Dexter.  I mean that bum on the corner or the idiot in the turning lane going straight when you are trying desperately to get to Blockbuster with a few minutes to spare.  Or how about the hot chick that knows she looks good, knows you’re looking at her but won’t give you the time of day?  Yeah that chick.  Man so many people to do, so little time.
Hit a weasel with a bat  
I have always wanted to catch a weasel, stick it in a cage with a hole in it and pull its head through.  Then I would take a baseball bat and beat the living hell out of it to see if it made a popping sound.
Strangle a baby chimpanzee
Yeah they’re cute and all, but I want to know how cute it is when it’s gasping for air when I have it in a headlock.  Priceless!
Ruin Donovan Lewis’ life
 White people think all black people look alike anyway so this shouldn’t be hard.  I would have to do a little work first so I would grow a beard and tell everyone I use to work at The Zoo or KPLX or wherever he was.  Then I would take 500 grams of cocaine and head to an upscale strip club.  I would proceed to do copious amounts of coke on whores’ backs while yelling “I’m effing Donovan Lewis” at the top of my lungs while spitting in their hair.  I would then proceed to get pissy drunk, take a stripper at knifepoint , steal a car and drive wildly down I-35 while talking on the phone with whoever was on the Ticket Top 10 describing how I was going to end it all.  It would end in front of Lewis house as I ran in the front door and out the back and he was left to explain his actions.  That noon-to-three slot would be mine for the taking.  Brilliant!
Chase a Jehovah’s Witness with my car
The only thing more satisfying than slamming the door in the face of a Jehovah’s Witness is chasing one down in a car while they are on their bikes.  I would love to watch them flee for their lives not knowing if I was going to hit them or not.  After 10-15 minutes of pursuit, I would drive away only to reappear when they felt they were in the clear and sideswipe them.  Jehovah didn't witness that! Golden!
Steal shipment of cocaine from local kingpin
Hell why not.  I’m going to be living in hell on earth anyway, right?  So who cares if I jack 30 kilos and then send a note with my picture on it taking credit for what I did.  The kicker would be that I would sit in my bathroom and flush it all down the toilet while filming it for YouTube.  Well all of it except for the stuff I need to frame Donovan Lewis (see above).
Attend a clan rally
I’ve always wanted to know what these guys really did out in the country all by themselves.  It’s got to be hard as hell just hating all the time.  Eventually someone has to bring out some dominoes, Jinga, cards or something.  Maybe they have a talent show or a father son sack race or something.  Hell I don’t know.  Just seems like hating the blacks, Jews and Mexicans would get monotonous after a while.
Burn a cross in someone’s yard
Yeah the irony here is I would do it in one of my white neighbor’s lawns.  Then I would put a sign in it that would racially disparage them to cause utter confusion.  Something to the effect of “whites, go back to Africa.”
Join the Tea Party to t-bag
Yeah, I'm going to take it up a notch. 
Watch your grandmother take a bath
She was probably hot at one point and we know she wants it. 
Produce gay porn
You only live once right?  Besides, if we are all left behind then there’s no way I could do any worse than what I have already done to be left behind.
Star in gay porn
Wait a minute… I meant I was...never mind.

And finally…

Have police standoff at my house
I want to channel my inner Denzel and cause a standoff in my neighborhood.  While they were negotiating, I would get pissy drunk, snort the remaining coke and get on the roof proclaiming “King Kong ain’t got s#@t on me!”  Then I would fire randomly into neighboring homes until I was tased in the nuts by the cops and fell off the roof in slow motion like the great ape.
So as I said, I am glad I decided to use my better judgment and held off on some of these activities.  I mean, they would have been fun but sometimes its better to adhere to common sense as opposed to subscribing to an idiot.

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