Friday, June 10, 2011

Why Men Don't Call Back

 While I was searching the Web looking for new porn sites to conquer, I came across a moderately interesting article discussing the reasons men don’t call women back after their first or second dates. 
The feature, written by some pansy named Christian Carter, goes into the melodramatic, 90210 reasons women fail to hear from the guy they thought was Mr. Perfect the night before.  Garbage like honesty and forgetting your number are two of his six reasons we don’t call back.  In my opinion it runs much deeper than that. 
You can find his explanation accompanied by a slideshow with several ridiculous images at  I recommend you scroll through his psychobabble and compare them to the real reasons men don’t call back that I have listed.  Then see which of us is right and which of us is actually pandering to his overly sensitive feminine side while having the pleasure of telling the story of how he sassed some guy looking at a woman like an object in the grocery store to his girlfriends at the next wine tasting/toy party.

My Reasons Men Don’t Call Back
(in no particular order)

The non-hypothetical, hypothetical sex question.
Remember when you were first on the phone or on the interweb and the guy eventually asked you either when was the last one night stand you had or have you ever given it up on the first date and ensured you he was only being curious?  Yeah that question wasn’t curiosity; it was a test to see how long it was going to take him to get some. 
Guys these days, and some ladies, don’t want to take forever to test the goods for fear of falling in love with someone who later on is a bust in the bedroom.  Guys want to have your goodies about two seconds after they say “hello.”  If he doesn’t get it or it feels like he is going to have to go on an adventure to open your music box, he’s going somewhere else, fast.
He’s Married
Ladies, sometimes this one is on you.  Some of the first things you should look for is the tan line on the ring finger or the constant looking over the shoulder in the venue you choose your first date on.  If you both live in Dallas and travel to Waco for dinner, chances are there is something he has to hide. 
Also look out for constant bouts of nervousness, frequent trips to the restroom (perhaps to check in) continuous silencing and hiding the cell phone and the ever present checking over the shoulder and around the room for possible spies.  Also, if he can’t give you an answer as to when he can call you back or wants to go to a hotel (on the first date) then you’ve got problems.
Whenever you open your mouth words come out
Has someone ever told you talk too much?  Have you noticed you talk too much?  Do you not know a lot about another person because you are always talking?  Then chances are you might very well talk too much.  There is nothing that turns a man off more than a woman who won’t shut the hell up sometimes.  It’s good to know about your personal achievements but how about you dispense them in doses, not in one breath, in one instance before the other person can say “my name is…”  Try listening for a change but if you can’t keep your mouth closed try sticking something in it—like a wad of bubblegum.
You have bad hygiene
 Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?  Have you ever had that not so fresh feeling in the state of Texas?  Yes ladies, your funkiness goes from toxic waste to cosmic slop in the Texas heat and there is nothing worse than going out on a first date with someone in a sundress and the odor of a freshly birthed baby calf in a manure-filled wet barn. 
My suggestion: try the red bag with some industrial cleaner and go to work on your lady cave.
You don’t come alone
No man likes competition—especially when the competition comes along on the date and has more conversation than the actual date.  No one wants to have the following conversation:
(You) “What would you like to drink?”
(Date ) “Well…”
(Tag Along) “Girl, you know you shouldn’t be drinking.  You know all he wants to do is take advantage of you…”
And so on. The last time that happened to most guys was when they were in high school and it was mandatory to take the ugly-assed girl with you.  If you are doing it in your 30s, that says more about your state of mind as well as your sanity.  It also means you might be a whore and you don’t trust yourself which would be cool if the ugly-assed girl wasn’t there.
You are not the whore you portrayed yourself to be
Remember during that conversation when you talked about the craziest, sexiest, most-unbelievable one night stand you ever had and said no one could ever match it?  Well when you decided to give the explicit details involving chocolate, three balloon animals, a rooster and a doorknob, that basically was a challenge to his manhood and opened the door for him to come up with some backbreaking, death defying act of animal husbandry this side of criminal.  But once you met, you were this bible-thumping school girl that went Jekyll and Hyde all of a sudden.
While you’re trying to figure out what kind of father and husband he will be, he’s thinking how much money he will have remaining after this date for the strip club.  
You don’t have children, you have a small army
Once when I lived in San Antonio, Texas, I met this girl who was absolutely beautiful.  She had a great smile, a perfect body and the best sense of humor I have ever known on a woman.  I picked her up from her house and we went on what I thought was a great date.  When I took her home she told me she had a great time and wanted to go out again when she found time.  She just needed to find a babysitter for her kids. 
“Kids, as in plural and not a bunch of goats,” I was thinking.  See this girl was 21 and she had 4 children.  I couldn’t even get the math right to figure out when she began breeding and it was constantly in my mind she was either super easy or had an ulterior motive.
That is the ultimate turn off for a guy.  No man in his right mind wants to have to wonder if he can feel up mommy while junior is begging for a Juicy-Juice on the arm of the couch or if you are in the bed readying yourself for a little passion and one of those little bastards is standing at the foot asking if you are going to be there new daddy.  That tends to be a bit of a mood killer.
You come on too strong
There is a misnomer that men love to be dominated by women—it is a fantasy of sorts and it gives men the pleasure of being used as a sexual object by women.  While that may be true for some, for the vast majority of men it is a process they would rather ease into.  I mean you don’t just jump on a bike for the first time and roll down the first hill you come upon while hoping for the best.  Rather you take lessons, figure it out and take your time. 
No self respecting man wants to have a woman come on to them as if they have known each other for months or years.  If you are ready to French kiss and give an H&J on the first date, chances are you are a whore.  Not only are you a whore but you are a dirty, easy whore which begs the question, how many times have you done this?
You’re just not interesting
How many friends do you have?  What is your favorite show?  What do you do for fun?  How often do you masturbate?  How often do you go to church?  If respectively you answered zero, The Tonight Show, picket abortion clinics, never because it’s disgusting and every opportunity you get, then you more than likely will find a man when one is either desperate enough to deal with spinster or is your prison pen pal that happened upon parole.  Other than that, you might as well get a house full of cats and lifetime supply of peanut butter.
Your vagina is on social networks
Everyone and everything is on Twitter these days.  Kevin Durant’s backpack has a page, al Qaeda has plenty (al Qaeda Sandwich Company, Global Jihad Team) and even dead bin Laden in Hell is popular.  That being said, if you have been on a bunch of dates or had plenty of sex and you rarely get return phone calls from your beaus, then more than likely your vagina is a big topic of conversation and it might not be all good. 
It might be a good idea to look up twitter for @(yourname)’svagina to make sure someone hasn’t started a made up diary of tweets about your tw*t.  If you don’t find anything there, make sure your vagina isn’t trending.  The only thing worse than people tweeting about your vagina is a hash tag in your vagina.
You have a penis
Nothing brings a date to an end faster and brings about charges quicker than finding out you have a penis—especially if it is bigger and is only discovered after a few drinks, some kissing and some heavy petting.  That might have been something worth mentioning in the about me portion of the conversation before dinner.
I mean I don’t know exactly how you bring it up, but a good model for the conversation could go as follows:
(You) “So tell me about yourself?”
 (Them) “I own my own business, I like hanging out with my friends on the weekend and I have three Portuguese Water Dogs, Cherry, Larry and Princess.  I like to can my own beans from my garden and I work out regularly.  I also have a penis.  Are we having desert?”  
(You)  “Check please.”      

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