Cowboys Preview

I’ve never put much stock into the preseason like many Cowboys’ faithful tend to do.  So when the team goes 3-1 it tends to make the masses stand and proclaim with clenched fists “this is our year” only to be snapped back to reality once the regular season gets underway. 

 

The major difference between this year and many others is the question marks didn’t wait to appear in the stretch run during the season; they popped up before the team ever put on pads and never left.

From the offensive line that consists of four guys and Tyron Smith, a receiving corps full of bad legs and a shoddy spleen, it is fairly obvious that this team is going to struggle mightily from beginning to end.  At least on every team there is a bright spot on one side of the ball be it the defensive unit, special teams or offense.  The Cowboys have neither.

The defense is going into the season beat up as defensive stalwarts DeMarcus Ware and Jay Ratliff have missed time due to injuries and Mike Jenkins is involved in a kerfuffle in the secondary.  Even with the addition of Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne, the only thing good that has happened to the defense is the subtraction of Dave Campo and defensive liability Terence Newman.  

Cowboys’ fans best bet is to hope a full training camp with Rob Ryan will make at least one facet of the team competitive but then again we’ve been fooled before.  And as long as the General Manager and the Owner are making the decisions, not to mention a subpar head coach, the ‘Boys are in for another disappointing season.  The schedule for the team is brutal and making the playoffs, in my opinion is nothing more than a pipedream.  Hell, getting to .500 is going to be a chore for this team. 

 

So in the interests of sparing you all the grief of watching a hopeless season—hanging on every pass and catch while clinging to the hope that your team will do something great when in reality they are a has-been team that is doing nothing more than masquerading as good team—I have decided to run through the schedule for you and give you the results as they came to me during my last alcohol-fueled bender.

Warning:  This is not for the faint of heart.

Week 1 Cowboys @ Giants

Jerry promised during training camp festivities that some ass would be kicked in Week 1.  Unfortunately for Jones someone forgot to tell him that he was not playing a high school team in the season opener.  He was also unaware that his team would suck worse at the end of training camp and injuries would be the 53^rd member of the roster.  The Giants have somewhat responded to Jones prediction but there is nothing that can be said that will explain the beating the Cowboys will take from the defending champs.  The Giants might even kill someone that game.  I’m not joking.  They do after all have freaking Hannibal Lecter on their team.

Giants 45, Cowboys 9

Week 2 Cowboys @ Seahawks

I initially had this penciled in as a win but the Hags used logic and common sense and promoted a real difference maker at quarterback.  The Cowboys’ defense will still be searching for an identity and Romo will be in the process of looking for a third option since the Giants will have most likely murdered a receiver.  Russell Wilson will run roughshod on the defense and will inspire the Seattle faithful to believe they are a team on the rise.  Unfortunately at the Cowboys expense.

Seahawks 28, Cowboys 11

Week 3 Buccaneers @ Cowboys

Even though I think firing Raheem Morris was a bad idea, the Bucs still have a good young team.  Quarterback Josh Freeman will have a bounce back year as will the rest of the team and will look to show the Cowboys as well as the NFC South that they are a team not to be trifled with.  Kyle Orton may get significant playing time as Romo will become the first player to ever have a concussion just thinking about how bad his offensive line is.

Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 10

Week 4 Bears @ Cowboys

Have you ever seen Pulp Fiction?  Have you ever watched the scene where Zed is (ahem) fondling Marsellus Wallace in the basement?  Well Brian Urlacher is Zed and the entire Bears defense is the Gimp watching the action.  The Cowboys only recourse is to just take it, ball-gag in mouth and hope that no one repeats what they saw.

Bears 35, Cowboys 10

Week 5 Bye

After five weeks of agony, the Cowboys finally get a chance to lick their wounds and get some much needed rest.  Unfortunately for them they are 0-4 and soon discover that they are the only team in the history of the NFL to lose to the Bye Week moving their record to 0-5 by the time they resume play.

Week 6 Cowboys @ Ravens

The debate over whether Joe Flacco is a top quarterback in the league is out the window this week as the Cowboys come into town after their most recent defeat to Team Bye.  Most of the injured players on the team have returned and even TE Jason Whitten will be healed enough to play and be hospitalized after the first series.  Romo will have 200 yards rushing due to the offensive line refusing to get off the plane.  Romo will pass for 300 yards and 3 TDs, unfortunately two of them will be to #20, Ed Reed.

Ravens 45, Cowboys 10

Week 7 Cowboys @ Panthers

Everyone stumbles throughout the season and this is the game the red-hot Panthers hit their bump in the road.  After six straight weeks of smash mouth football, they will be mentally drained when the two teams meet.  Cam Newton will make a few sophomore mistakes and the defense will take advantage.  Brandon Carr will be the catalyst of the defense and will single handedly win the game with 2 interceptions, one returned for a score, three forced fumbles and one touchdown reception due to the lack of depth in the Cowboys receiving corps.

Cowboys 38, Panthers 14

Week 8 Cowboys @ Giants

Different city, same teams, nearly same results.  In the week leading up to the game, Jones will utter the famous line, “They won’t kick our ass as bad this time” to which he is corrected when the Giants decide to rush 11 the entire game just to prove a point.  Manning will throw for 586 yards with 5 TDs and 2 interceptions—only because he gets tired of throwing to his own guys.  With the game well in hand, the giants will pull the first team off the field and will replace them with the New York Knicks.  They will score often.

Giants 68, Knicks 21, Cowboys 12

Week 9 Cowboys @ Falcons

After the Knicks debacle, the Cowboys travel to Atlanta to take on another formidable opponent in the Falcons.  The Falcons, much like the Panthers, fall victim to the trap game as Coach Mike Smith doesn’t even play his starters so they can attend Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat showing for one night only.  Smith underestimates the desperation the Cowboys have as they win on a time expiring touchdown pass to Jay Novacek from Jason Garrett.

Dallas 10, Falcons 7 

Week 10 Cowboys @ Eagles

Eagles’ fans and the Cowboys have two things in common; they are trash.  And nothing will epitomize the evening more than when newly reinstated quarterback Tony Romo throws a Hail Mary pass to Michael Irvin in the corner of the end zone, he is upended and falls on his neck for the second time in his career.  Eagles’ fans of course boo and the Cowboys cannot get back on track and end up running the ball for the remainder of the game.  During one play from scrimmage, the Eagles show a hologram of Reggie White on the sidelines and Romo fumbles the hand off to DeMarco Murray.

Eagles 35, Cowboys 3        

Week 11 Browns @ Cowboys

What can Brown do for you?  Everything as they come into town at just the right time.  Quarterback Brandon Wheedon and running back Trent Richardson are still a year away and their inept play will show in Arlington.  The Cowboys will roll over the Browns and celebrate their victory as if they won the Super Bowl.  Unfortunately that will be the closest they ever come to the big game.

Cowboys 33, Browns 12

Week 12 Redskins @ Cowboys

Even though I hate the Redskins and Mike Shanahan, I can’t help but like RG III and what he can do for the team.  In a battle of the third best team in the NFC East, the ‘Skins will get the edge as RG III’s dynamic play will have the Cowboys defense saying “wow” and standing and watching—while they are on the field.  Also, for one week only, the Cowboys re-sign Terrence Newman just so Santana Moss can make the Pro Bowl.  He is released after the game after giving up two touchdowns, 275 yards and the obligatory flailing of the arms and blaming other teammates who are nowhere in the vicinity.

Redskins 48, Cowboys 21   

Week 13 Eagles @ Cowboys

The Cowboys come into this game with a renewed sense of vigor and clamoring for revenge.  Jerry Jones tries to hype the team up with “Remember Michael Irvin” chants to which the younger players reply “who?”  The Eagles enter the game without Michael Vick who is suspended for fighting a dog.  He literally punches a dog in the face as he finds his neighbor, a Cowboy fan, has allowed his dog to defecate on his lawn.  Vick spends the entire week apologizing personally to Sarah McLachlan who in turn makes him sing a duet that makes us all want to punch her in the back.

Cowboys 35, Eagles 26

 

Week 14 Cowboys @ Bengals

The ‘Boys come out strong this week matching the Bengals yard for yard, point for point and defensive stop for defensive stop for the first two quarters.  Everything appears to be going smoothly for the team until Pac-Man Jones has had enough of his former team and pulls a gun on Miles Austin just as he is about to step into the end zone.  Austin “fumbles” and the ball is returned for the game-winning touchdown by newly re-acquired corner back Terence Newman.

Bengals 28, Cowboys 21 

Week 15 Cowboys @ Steelers

Four words:  James Harrison/Troy Polamalu.  When injured, the Steelers are a different team.  They struggle on defense and somehow it transfers to the offense.  This game, whether injured or not, these two will play.  Jerry will find a way to slip up from his crypt and say something about championships that will become bulletin board material.  Polamalu will have 47 tackles and Harrison will send $100,000 to the league office with a note that simply says “For what I’m about to do.”  It is later discovered that someone on the offensive line with the initials D.F. has also paid a Steelers d-lineman to help them block Harrison.  At the conclusion of the game, Romo files a lawsuit against God and the schedule makers.

Steelers 36, Cowboys -3 

Week 16 Saints @ Cowboys

It’s almost over.  The Cowboys at this point are looking forward to the offseason and a story has leaked that a petition has gone around the locker room suggesting the team quit early.  Surprisingly, Coach Garrett’s signature is the second on the list, right behind Rowdy and just before Crazy Ray's.  Jones calls a team meeting and informs them that if they do not take the field, he will cancel Christmas.  The team reluctantly suits up and plays the game and plays well.  Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan takes over play-calling duty as Garrett is too drunk and doesn’t care.  He is seen stumbling on the sidelines and when he sees Santa in the crowd, he attempts to charge into the stands only to be restrained by two Cowboys cheerleaders.  He is placed into a choke-hold and falls asleep in Felix Jones’ lap.

Cowboys 21, Saints 13  

Week 17 Cowboys @ Redskins

The Redskins have been trending upward throughout the season.  After several of the Cowboys’ players remark about how much they would love to have RG III on their team, they also realize they would like to not let their envy of him come between winning the season finale. Once again Callahan calls the plays and is auditioning for the “speculated” head coaching job.  The team gives it their all and wins the game handedly limiting the Redskins to only 700 total yards.  

Cowboys 51, Redskins 42

Garrett is dismissed after a 7-10 season and leaves Valley Ranch in a drunken rage.  He is last seen running around the compound wearing one of Jerry’s old faces and holding the caramelized leg of Crazy Ray while singing the Princeton fight song.  Jerry Jones announces that he will become the interim coach until his goat heart weakens.  The Cowboys receive a top five pick in the 2013 draft but immediately Jones elects to trade it for Randy Moss, Roy Williams and a has been to be named later.

Enough Is Enough

Where were you the day Peyton Manning died?  How about when Tim Tebow was born from a virgin in a manger or Jeremy Lin crossed the Pacific on foot and decided to play basketball rather than heal the sick and tend to the needy?

Although deifying our athletes has been going on in our society since the beginning of sports, it seems that the media has reached a new level of absurdity in regards to their coverage.

I honestly didn’t hate Tebow when he came out of college.  I figured he was an H-Back or a tight end and could possibly contribute positively on a team if he was used properly.  I envisioned a Peyton Hillis type bruising back that could throw occasionally when necessary.  Then former Broncos’ Head Coach Josh McDaniels inexplicably moved up in the draft to take him and declared he would be a quarterback.  It didn’t take long for the fans to clamor for the third stringer to start because he had some good games against bad teams at the conclusion of his rookie season.  And soon thereafter the media hitched their wagons to the Tebow train and a “legend” was born.

His biggest apologist, Skip Bayless, and a host of other sports talking heads along with a contingent of religious nincompoops began a nonstop campaign on his behalf while bashing anyone who dared point out his deficiencies regardless of how true they were (Where are you Merril Hoge?).  Never mind the fact the kid could not play—truth be damned.  The only thing that mattered was he could have been aborted or he was a scrappy fighter that had to face adversity and doubt all his life and had always been able to overcome what was stacked against him and win.  He was an inspiration because he could pray on the sidelines and was “winning” in the waning seconds of games despite the fact he had played putrid for the previous 58 minutes.

None of that mattered.  The media had their man and was going to shove him down our faces whether we liked it or not.

Recent “phenom” Jeremy Lin has been treated much the same way.  A nowhere guard on the cusp of returning to the Developmental League gets a chance to play because there is no one else to play and he has a few good games and he is elevated to Christ-like status almost overnight.  He was placed in the All-Star festivities where he did absolutely nothing ad shortly thereafter he crashed and burned and is right back to the point of where it all began almost two months ago…a mediocre guard who should be about to head back to the D-league.

But the media hyped this unproven kid up so much anyone who dares speak the truth about where he should be would get the equivalent of a public tar and feathering. 

And that’s my beef with the media nowadays.  It is in such a hurry to find the next superstar to say “I found him first” that they hardly stop to ask themselves, “What has he done?”  And in the case of these two; absolutely nothing. 

Tebow is a no-hit wonder who wins by attrition.  Someone has to lose and he is fortunate that his defense stays in games long enough for one play to decide it all.  When he had to go against real teams with real quarterbacks, he fared poorly to be kind.  Now he wants to work on his throwing mechanics and the media is lauding his efforts to improve but he is going into his third season and now he wants to improve his mechanics?  He’ll impress me when he stops being a QB and becomes just another player.

Lin story is a little different but he is trapped by the same hype monster the media has created for him.  There comes a time when these guys hear how great they are so much that they either start believe it or it starts to tear apart their team and build resentment amongst their teammates. 

In Denver Brady Quinn had to apologize for statements he made about Tebow in a magazine article and most likely won’t be back in Denver.  Carmelo Anthony is getting blamed for the failures of the Knicks as well as his incompatibility with Lin even though he has played with the likes of Chauncey Billups and Andre’ Miller in Denver.  No one will mention the fact that the Knicks are a bad team put together terribly with parts that just don’t mesh.

I mentioned Manning only because of the intense coverage he received when he left the Colts.  We all knew it was coming but ESPN treated it like it was the death of a Kennedy.  Regular shows were interrupted and fellow players and coaches had to recite their favorite moments of Manning.  Now where inundated with images of his plane flying in and out of airports as if O.J. was on board.  It’s too much.

What happened to letting athletes earn praise while allowing them to be motivated by honest criticism?  When did we stop allowing players to develop, not overnight but over time before we passed judgment?  When did it become the status quo to corner a former player, host or announcer and make them pick a side; all the while really not giving them a true choice?

I know this will fall on deaf ears but it’s about time for the media to take a step back and allow the rest of us to make a decision because God knows I am tired of having one forced on me.

And for the record, Tebow still sucks!