Cowboys Preview

I’ve never put much stock into the preseason like many Cowboys’ faithful tend to do.  So when the team goes 3-1 it tends to make the masses stand and proclaim with clenched fists “this is our year” only to be snapped back to reality once the regular season gets underway. 

 

The major difference between this year and many others is the question marks didn’t wait to appear in the stretch run during the season; they popped up before the team ever put on pads and never left.

From the offensive line that consists of four guys and Tyron Smith, a receiving corps full of bad legs and a shoddy spleen, it is fairly obvious that this team is going to struggle mightily from beginning to end.  At least on every team there is a bright spot on one side of the ball be it the defensive unit, special teams or offense.  The Cowboys have neither.

The defense is going into the season beat up as defensive stalwarts DeMarcus Ware and Jay Ratliff have missed time due to injuries and Mike Jenkins is involved in a kerfuffle in the secondary.  Even with the addition of Brandon Carr and Morris Claiborne, the only thing good that has happened to the defense is the subtraction of Dave Campo and defensive liability Terence Newman.  

Cowboys’ fans best bet is to hope a full training camp with Rob Ryan will make at least one facet of the team competitive but then again we’ve been fooled before.  And as long as the General Manager and the Owner are making the decisions, not to mention a subpar head coach, the ‘Boys are in for another disappointing season.  The schedule for the team is brutal and making the playoffs, in my opinion is nothing more than a pipedream.  Hell, getting to .500 is going to be a chore for this team. 

 

So in the interests of sparing you all the grief of watching a hopeless season—hanging on every pass and catch while clinging to the hope that your team will do something great when in reality they are a has-been team that is doing nothing more than masquerading as good team—I have decided to run through the schedule for you and give you the results as they came to me during my last alcohol-fueled bender.

Warning:  This is not for the faint of heart.

Week 1 Cowboys @ Giants

Jerry promised during training camp festivities that some ass would be kicked in Week 1.  Unfortunately for Jones someone forgot to tell him that he was not playing a high school team in the season opener.  He was also unaware that his team would suck worse at the end of training camp and injuries would be the 53^rd member of the roster.  The Giants have somewhat responded to Jones prediction but there is nothing that can be said that will explain the beating the Cowboys will take from the defending champs.  The Giants might even kill someone that game.  I’m not joking.  They do after all have freaking Hannibal Lecter on their team.

Giants 45, Cowboys 9

Week 2 Cowboys @ Seahawks

I initially had this penciled in as a win but the Hags used logic and common sense and promoted a real difference maker at quarterback.  The Cowboys’ defense will still be searching for an identity and Romo will be in the process of looking for a third option since the Giants will have most likely murdered a receiver.  Russell Wilson will run roughshod on the defense and will inspire the Seattle faithful to believe they are a team on the rise.  Unfortunately at the Cowboys expense.

Seahawks 28, Cowboys 11

Week 3 Buccaneers @ Cowboys

Even though I think firing Raheem Morris was a bad idea, the Bucs still have a good young team.  Quarterback Josh Freeman will have a bounce back year as will the rest of the team and will look to show the Cowboys as well as the NFC South that they are a team not to be trifled with.  Kyle Orton may get significant playing time as Romo will become the first player to ever have a concussion just thinking about how bad his offensive line is.

Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 10

Week 4 Bears @ Cowboys

Have you ever seen Pulp Fiction?  Have you ever watched the scene where Zed is (ahem) fondling Marsellus Wallace in the basement?  Well Brian Urlacher is Zed and the entire Bears defense is the Gimp watching the action.  The Cowboys only recourse is to just take it, ball-gag in mouth and hope that no one repeats what they saw.

Bears 35, Cowboys 10

Week 5 Bye

After five weeks of agony, the Cowboys finally get a chance to lick their wounds and get some much needed rest.  Unfortunately for them they are 0-4 and soon discover that they are the only team in the history of the NFL to lose to the Bye Week moving their record to 0-5 by the time they resume play.

Week 6 Cowboys @ Ravens

The debate over whether Joe Flacco is a top quarterback in the league is out the window this week as the Cowboys come into town after their most recent defeat to Team Bye.  Most of the injured players on the team have returned and even TE Jason Whitten will be healed enough to play and be hospitalized after the first series.  Romo will have 200 yards rushing due to the offensive line refusing to get off the plane.  Romo will pass for 300 yards and 3 TDs, unfortunately two of them will be to #20, Ed Reed.

Ravens 45, Cowboys 10

Week 7 Cowboys @ Panthers

Everyone stumbles throughout the season and this is the game the red-hot Panthers hit their bump in the road.  After six straight weeks of smash mouth football, they will be mentally drained when the two teams meet.  Cam Newton will make a few sophomore mistakes and the defense will take advantage.  Brandon Carr will be the catalyst of the defense and will single handedly win the game with 2 interceptions, one returned for a score, three forced fumbles and one touchdown reception due to the lack of depth in the Cowboys receiving corps.

Cowboys 38, Panthers 14

Week 8 Cowboys @ Giants

Different city, same teams, nearly same results.  In the week leading up to the game, Jones will utter the famous line, “They won’t kick our ass as bad this time” to which he is corrected when the Giants decide to rush 11 the entire game just to prove a point.  Manning will throw for 586 yards with 5 TDs and 2 interceptions—only because he gets tired of throwing to his own guys.  With the game well in hand, the giants will pull the first team off the field and will replace them with the New York Knicks.  They will score often.

Giants 68, Knicks 21, Cowboys 12

Week 9 Cowboys @ Falcons

After the Knicks debacle, the Cowboys travel to Atlanta to take on another formidable opponent in the Falcons.  The Falcons, much like the Panthers, fall victim to the trap game as Coach Mike Smith doesn’t even play his starters so they can attend Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat showing for one night only.  Smith underestimates the desperation the Cowboys have as they win on a time expiring touchdown pass to Jay Novacek from Jason Garrett.

Dallas 10, Falcons 7 

Week 10 Cowboys @ Eagles

Eagles’ fans and the Cowboys have two things in common; they are trash.  And nothing will epitomize the evening more than when newly reinstated quarterback Tony Romo throws a Hail Mary pass to Michael Irvin in the corner of the end zone, he is upended and falls on his neck for the second time in his career.  Eagles’ fans of course boo and the Cowboys cannot get back on track and end up running the ball for the remainder of the game.  During one play from scrimmage, the Eagles show a hologram of Reggie White on the sidelines and Romo fumbles the hand off to DeMarco Murray.

Eagles 35, Cowboys 3        

Week 11 Browns @ Cowboys

What can Brown do for you?  Everything as they come into town at just the right time.  Quarterback Brandon Wheedon and running back Trent Richardson are still a year away and their inept play will show in Arlington.  The Cowboys will roll over the Browns and celebrate their victory as if they won the Super Bowl.  Unfortunately that will be the closest they ever come to the big game.

Cowboys 33, Browns 12

Week 12 Redskins @ Cowboys

Even though I hate the Redskins and Mike Shanahan, I can’t help but like RG III and what he can do for the team.  In a battle of the third best team in the NFC East, the ‘Skins will get the edge as RG III’s dynamic play will have the Cowboys defense saying “wow” and standing and watching—while they are on the field.  Also, for one week only, the Cowboys re-sign Terrence Newman just so Santana Moss can make the Pro Bowl.  He is released after the game after giving up two touchdowns, 275 yards and the obligatory flailing of the arms and blaming other teammates who are nowhere in the vicinity.

Redskins 48, Cowboys 21   

Week 13 Eagles @ Cowboys

The Cowboys come into this game with a renewed sense of vigor and clamoring for revenge.  Jerry Jones tries to hype the team up with “Remember Michael Irvin” chants to which the younger players reply “who?”  The Eagles enter the game without Michael Vick who is suspended for fighting a dog.  He literally punches a dog in the face as he finds his neighbor, a Cowboy fan, has allowed his dog to defecate on his lawn.  Vick spends the entire week apologizing personally to Sarah McLachlan who in turn makes him sing a duet that makes us all want to punch her in the back.

Cowboys 35, Eagles 26

 

Week 14 Cowboys @ Bengals

The ‘Boys come out strong this week matching the Bengals yard for yard, point for point and defensive stop for defensive stop for the first two quarters.  Everything appears to be going smoothly for the team until Pac-Man Jones has had enough of his former team and pulls a gun on Miles Austin just as he is about to step into the end zone.  Austin “fumbles” and the ball is returned for the game-winning touchdown by newly re-acquired corner back Terence Newman.

Bengals 28, Cowboys 21 

Week 15 Cowboys @ Steelers

Four words:  James Harrison/Troy Polamalu.  When injured, the Steelers are a different team.  They struggle on defense and somehow it transfers to the offense.  This game, whether injured or not, these two will play.  Jerry will find a way to slip up from his crypt and say something about championships that will become bulletin board material.  Polamalu will have 47 tackles and Harrison will send $100,000 to the league office with a note that simply says “For what I’m about to do.”  It is later discovered that someone on the offensive line with the initials D.F. has also paid a Steelers d-lineman to help them block Harrison.  At the conclusion of the game, Romo files a lawsuit against God and the schedule makers.

Steelers 36, Cowboys -3 

Week 16 Saints @ Cowboys

It’s almost over.  The Cowboys at this point are looking forward to the offseason and a story has leaked that a petition has gone around the locker room suggesting the team quit early.  Surprisingly, Coach Garrett’s signature is the second on the list, right behind Rowdy and just before Crazy Ray's.  Jones calls a team meeting and informs them that if they do not take the field, he will cancel Christmas.  The team reluctantly suits up and plays the game and plays well.  Offensive Coordinator Bill Callahan takes over play-calling duty as Garrett is too drunk and doesn’t care.  He is seen stumbling on the sidelines and when he sees Santa in the crowd, he attempts to charge into the stands only to be restrained by two Cowboys cheerleaders.  He is placed into a choke-hold and falls asleep in Felix Jones’ lap.

Cowboys 21, Saints 13  

Week 17 Cowboys @ Redskins

The Redskins have been trending upward throughout the season.  After several of the Cowboys’ players remark about how much they would love to have RG III on their team, they also realize they would like to not let their envy of him come between winning the season finale. Once again Callahan calls the plays and is auditioning for the “speculated” head coaching job.  The team gives it their all and wins the game handedly limiting the Redskins to only 700 total yards.  

Cowboys 51, Redskins 42

Garrett is dismissed after a 7-10 season and leaves Valley Ranch in a drunken rage.  He is last seen running around the compound wearing one of Jerry’s old faces and holding the caramelized leg of Crazy Ray while singing the Princeton fight song.  Jerry Jones announces that he will become the interim coach until his goat heart weakens.  The Cowboys receive a top five pick in the 2013 draft but immediately Jones elects to trade it for Randy Moss, Roy Williams and a has been to be named later.

Fan Mail

It’ been a while since I’ve gone through the emails and responded to your questions, but to be frank, I just haven’t given a damn.  The Rangers are on a roll, sometimes good however more recently bad, the Cowboys are about to kick off the regular season under new leadership but the same old crappy management and the NBA is still locked out. 

I could really care if the latter really comes back but it would give me another sport to complain about and more athletes to criticize.  But I digress.  Fantasy leagues are back in full swing and the college football season is about to take off.  And with the exception of the Miami Hurricanes, this season should be one to remember.

So without further ado, lemme reach into the ol’ grab bag and see what intelligent questions we got.

-What do you think the Dallas Cowboys chances are this season?  They appear to have a tough schedule with the Jets in week 1, the Pats in week 6 and the rest of the East that seemed to improve while the ‘Boys sat idle.

Milt Thomas, Pantego

They have a chance…a chance to be awful.  They also have a chance to be good but I put that right there with a snowman completing a marathon in Hell.  Look I have said this all along; I am not a big believer in the so-called Red Headed Savior, Jason Garrett.  He comes off to me as another cookie cutter, wannabe coach that, much like Josh McDaniels, wants to be the guy they used to work for and we see how that worked out for McDaniels and the Broncos and the mess they are working with now. 

Garrett wants so bad to be Jimmy Johnson that it makes me wonder why Jerry didn’t ask him to come back to coach.  These days, the Bill Parcells types of coaches don’t last long.  Players tune them out too fast because who are you going to really get rid of—your franchise player or some coach the entire team has stopped listening too regardless of their “toughness.” The Cowboys lack the talent and the front office intelligence the team needs to be successful again.  And it’s going to be a while before they are relevant again—that while being when Jones is in a nursing home or in the ground.

-I read your post on the controversy surrounding Tim Tebow and Kyle Orton and I think the only reason you pick on him is because everyone else is piling on.  He’s a fine young man and should be given the opportunity lead the franchise because he deserves it, not to mention he was a 1^st rounder.

Carlos Sepulveda, Plano

Look, I think I’m a decent guy but that doesn’t mean I should just walk in and run a Fortune 500 company just because the boss’ friend likes me.  That is the equivalent of the Tebow situation in Denver.  Yes he was a first rounder, but in the eyes of an imbecile.  An imbecile that ran out Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall and then turned around and got rid of the Mike Alstott 2.0 in Peyton Hillis all because he thought he was going to spark a revolution or something in Denver.  I don’t hate Tebow; I just think he is unprepared to be a quarterback at the NFL level.  I don’t have to have played or watch incessant amounts of film to know when a guy has horrible mechanics.  Just because a guy throws one great pass doesn’t mean he should be the starter.  Just because one gives great speeches in college and motivates the team doesn’t mean that will translate to the NFL.  These guys have accomplished their goal and most will make ridiculous amounts of money so having a guy yelling at them up and down the sidelines doesn’t work like it did in college.

If you want to win, and I mean the team and not the fans, you play either Orton or Brady Quinn.  If you want to mount up concussions and lose your football team, you go with Tebow.  Fans aren’t in the locker room after a loss; players are.  Fans don’t take devastating hits for three hours; players do.  Fans don’t work out relentlessly to get better at their craft and earn multi-million dollar contract; players do.  Tebow may be good down the line, but I wouldn’t risk screwing my franchise any more than it already has been.

-Do you think the NBA lockout will go into the regular season and possibly cancel games or do you see this getting resolved relatively quickly?

Trent Broyles, Fort Worth

The short answer is I really could care less.  I am so out on the NBA it is ridiculous.  David Stern has turned the league into glorified streetball where the slightest touch earns star players trips to the free throw line.  The referees have too much power and the same teams suck and have no incentive to get better.  I think the best thing going is if the players do go overseas and get stuck in some of those contracts they cannot get out of because to be honest I’d rather watch the WNBA than the pre-planned WWE-styled garbage we see run out there between November and June.

-The Rangers’ pitching staff has fallen off a cliff making it hard for me to keep watching these games.  I’m afraid the team is going to be in second place after the Angels series and done by the last week of the season.  Should I still have hope?
-Phil Tanner, Waco

Hell yeah you should still have hope!  This is what late season baseball is all about.  Every game means something now and there is no time for complacency from anyone on the team.  We are still in first and just like the Angels this could be the series that galvanizes the team again.  I think when the series is over; the Rangers will be up by four games.  The problem is what they do after the series.  Do they stay hot or do they fall back into a funk against the Rays and Red Sox?  Who knows?  But I’d rather be in a tight race than in no race at all.  What they need is for Sept. 1^st to come as quickly as possible so they can get Beltre and Blanco back on the field and Quintanilla can go away and Young can go back to DHing.

   -The Cowboys will lose this year not because of the offensive line or the defense or even coaching.  They will lose because Tony [Romo] is the worst quarterback in the history of the franchise.  You can take that to the bank.

-Starry Lanley, Las Colinas

Again with this?  How in the hell do you keep getting emails in?  I thought I had you blocked.  Even though the Cowboys will be terrible this year it will not be from the QB position.  It will be coaching.  How can a guy that has presided over the offense the last four years all-of-a-sudden be the franchise savior?  It’s akin to asking the fox too watch the hen house because he knows the neighborhood.  When the Cowboys were good offensively, it was because of Garrett.  But when they were bad, and they have been terrible, it has also been under Garrett.  He has made questionable calls and substitutions dating back to when he snaked Wade and took over as head turd.  And as much as I hated the fact that Owens was brought here, he was a weapon and Garrett’s ego couldn’t make it work either.  His play calling is mediocre at best and had Jerry not given him this job or had let other teams really get a chance at him, who would have really had an interest in his services?  No one.

And you can take that to the bank!

-I saw where former Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl claims the NCAA was making an example of him by placing a show-cause penalty on him until 2013.  Did the NCAA go far enough and will this deter others who abuse the rules?
-Jerry Reynolds, Saginaw

I don’t think it went far enough, but it is a good start.  The only way the NCAA cleans up college athletics is by establishing clear, concise, concrete rules across the board and enforcing them to the letter regardless of the institution.  Pearl can still be hired by a school to evaluate talent but cannot contact recruits or actually coach.  As a matter of fact, teams can be penalized for hiring Pearl and any of his former assistants before their bans expire. 

I have said for the longest that coaches should be punished for their transgressions.  Pearl, Jim Tressel, Lane Kiffin and others should have to deal with the consequences of their actions and just not the institution.  I like Randy Shannon, but if the University of Miami should receive the death penalty, Shannon and even Larry Coker should get an equal if not greater fine or penalty.  Every school should be on notice that deviant behavior will not be tolerated and the NCAA should be allowed to become involved with either terminating coaches contracts or “encouraging” them to leave should coaches cross the line.  They are the leaders of men and should be held to higher standards and it’s time they were dealt with accordingly.